Before I start this little post, I thought I would list all of the things that I have obtained since I graduated from tertiary college back in July 2016, just so that this post doesn’t come of as entirely negative. So without further adue, the stuff which I got after I finished uni includes:
Two flashy certificates with wax seal stamps (A degree and a diploma)
A beanie from one of my colleges.
A four-colour pen. (The tutor had a spare)
An appreciation for volunteer work.
An apperciation for working in the social work/community development sector in general.
A mechanical keyboard for my shitty six year old Mac.
A new phone that now, is kinda useless to me for anything other than making/receiving calls.
A mean looking ‘Middle Eastern beard’
Another friend group.
A taste for pale ales and lagers.
A taste for alcohol in general.
A black pair of super skinny jeans. (Yeowch!)
A fondness for the beach and the ocean.
Lady friends in Italy. (Thanks Instagram!)
Lady friends in Turkey. (Again, Thanks Insta!)
A license to sell/serve alcohol. (I could become a bartender maybe … ?)
I am sure there are way more but I honestly can’t think of them off the top of my head. Now then, why don’t we make it fair and list the things that I did NOT receive or obtain after my graduation?
Despite applying for work like mad, nothing seems to be going my way. A lot of people have told me that going back to Uni would be a waste of another two or three years and would put me at risk of being considered ‘overqualified’ for my field of choice. Of course, I would take any job at this point in time. Hence why I’ve found myself completing short course after short course to obtain some extra skills in the employability department. (License to Serve, First Aid, a course on how to make coffees/cappucinos at a bar/cafe/restaraunt, a certificate in training and assessment, etc)
People keep telling me that something must come along eventually. Let’s just hope that these people are right, and are also talking from experience.
Anyways, that’s my post for the month/year/decade. What have YOU been up to?
I’m posting tonight because I received a super special notification from the happy chappies at WordPress.com. Two years ago, I started this blog as a method of journaliing my musings and other ramblings as a way to manage stress. At the time of this blog’s creation, I had been faced with a lot of dreadful uncertainties that would leave me with knots in my tummy for nights on end. I had only just started my long distance relationship with an absolutely lovely girl and was afraid that we would never meet or be able to make it happen. My studies at both university and a community college had reduced me to a state resembling that of a nervous wreck; hair tearing and all.
The year after, my relationship had become stable. My classes had become manageable. I had begun my student work placement and had learnt more than I ever did in high school. About life, about love and about the world beyond high school. For once, my life seemed right. I was at peace.
And now, in 2016, many things have changed. My graduation, the fated meeting in Lover’s Arrival, the beginnings of my search for employment, the collapse of my relationship …
All of it proof that we are forever learning by experience. That the wildest and most unexpected things can happen, even when plans have been made and are seemingly set in stone. Life is what happens when you are busy making plans. And that, Mr. Lennon, is something that we can both agree on. Being the tired man that I am, i am not sure what I am supposed to be writing anymore here. The paragraphs that come after this were actually written first. This post is a mess, chaotic, just like life. It wasn’t planned. I had a general idea and the structure of the post all in my mind and then as I began to write it down, different thoughts flooded into my mind and altered those plans. Or took a sledgehammer to them. Completely.
This might sound awfully corny but I gotta write it …
In the past two years, I have become rather fond of moths. Now, I never liked moths as a kid. I always thought they were grotesque and wouldn’t think twice about shooing them away with a dainty wave of the hand. They were ugly to most people. Undesirable. And I often considered myself to be of a similar calibre. But all it took was one mental comparison, one alternate trail of thought, and my love for them began to blossom. There are those in the world that see beauty where others simply cannot. Those that find something beautiful where nothing of the sort can be found and observed by the average person. And I had the pleasure of meeting a few of these cherishable souls. The absolute honor of calling one my teacher, another one my friend, my lover …
Of course, you. My readers.
These people and their stories, their wisdom, their kindness and their love formed my coccoon and now I too, have become a one of these souls.
I’d like to thank you all for reading my blog over the past two years and do hope that you stick around for another.
May all the love in the world be yours. And remember, everybody’s gotta learn sometime.
My life seems to be a bit of a cycle thus far. I’ll go about my usual livelihood dabbling, meet a gnarly as heck chick, start dating said gnarly as heck chick and then part ways with them sometime after. And everytime it ends, I always find myself back at a stove, cooking my feel-good food.
Ramem noodles! Or ‘lifenoodles’as I like to call them.
You’d never think that any dude would be happier to be behind a stove, stirring into a boiling pot with an overhead fan blasting their ears with low pitch white noise but here I am! Indulging in the preparation of my ’75 cent per packet’ respite!
Couldn’t care less about the GDP. I only care about the GDC.
I honestly don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote that title. I thought I’d keep it anyway because not only do I like it but I feel as though my brain would overheat like a pre-2005 computer running Crysis and then proceed to liquify through my ear holes if I tried to actually muster the effort to cognitively craft a more relevant one.
I really haven’t been blogging much at all. I think I’ve written like, ten posts about the same issue but being the apologetic scrub that I am, I feel the need to say sorry a thousand more times to ward off a bitter metaphorical bludgeoning. Since the Holiday season is pretty much around the corner, I think I’ll take this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy Holidays, just in case I don’t end up blogging again in the near future due to Holidays related stuff. Or don’t blog ever again after the excruciating yet delectable death by Christmas ham.
So, Happy Holidays everyone! And in case I don’t end up chatting to you before the year is up because I’m too busy smuggling protein bars in my messenger bag or something, have a Happy New Year!
I’ll just leave you with some footage of the upcoming year …
Usually, in RPGs, you get experience points for defeating enemies. We can assume that the player character kills or ‘destroys’ these enemies to obtain these experience points. A game like Skyrim, however, would award you for completing acts like picking locks and other cool stuff.
So if real life were an RPG, would that mean that those who aren’t really up to killing other people and animals or other illegal acts are only Level 1?
To say that Dandy has a short attention span would be a severe understatement. Short term goals seem to be all he is capable of completing and anything that consists of months of active labor is seemingly impossible, forcing him to either bear the heavy wooden cross as the tedium gradually drives him to a metaphorical crucifixion or to flat out quit.
And when it comes to gaming, MMORPGs are another one of those Herculean efforts that one seeks to actively avoid.
Unfortunately, when it comes to video games, a lot of people love an instant reward. They do something or that complete a mission, or even shoot another play dead, and they’re rewarded whether it be points, items, experience or a shiny medal accompanied by the gravely voice of an announcer blurting some turbo-masculine phrase slapped together to describe the mere act of killing an opponent under the smallest of alternate circumstance.
Hell, it’s why first person shooters and even mobile games are so popular these days. A player doesn’t need to invest a bunch of time into them to get anything out of it and the games usually reward the player on a rather frequent basis.
I will admit it. I am dangerously close to fitting under the category of a ‘dudebro’. You know, those gamers that love their shooters and clock in tons of time into the multiplayer aspect of things. If I were to ask myself why I found games like Call of Duty or Halo appealing, I would have to say that it’s honestly a combination of the adrenaline rush you get when you’re team is faced with adversity or the fact that everything I do seems to benefit either myself or my team in one way or another, whether it be points for assisting another team member with a kill or calling in a scorestreak. There are always points to be gained.
It never used to be this way, however. I was once one of those ‘grinders’ that you see playing those RPGs, clocking dozens upon dozens of hours into the game, which would eventually turn into days and then weeks. I used to religiously play games like RuneScape, DragonFable and a ton of other free-to-play role playing games that required a serious amount of grinding in order to get anywhere. Looking back, I honestly don’t know how I did it. My current self would’ve just given up after five minutes of playing and it would be left up to complete chance as to whether I would ever feel the urge to play the game again. Hell, I used to be a HUGE Legend of Zelda and Metroid fan and nowadays, I can’t even be bothered to finish any new playthroughs that I start. Oh … well, except for Super Metroid. But any Nintendo fan would understand that completely.
Although, there is one game that requires a serious amount of effort and time that I CAN, if not, actually go out of my way to play. And that game is Dark Souls.
Dark Souls is an action-RPG, so it would make sense that there would be something more flamboyant and glittery there to keep me circling about like a moth to a streetlight. The core of the game mechanics revolves around action and interaction rather than just clicking a mouse to move my character or attack targets. I move my character wherever I want him to move and I fight however I’d like to fight. None of that turn based stuff. And with the added benefit of an absolutely sublime statistics system, something that I love about RPGs in general, Dark Souls was the one game in it’s vein that I kept coming back to. It wasn’t a flashy hack-n-slash game or a first person gunfight set in the future or anything but it still kept me very entertained.
If anything, the flashiness of FPSs have spoiled me as a gamer. That’s basically what I am saying here.
And not just me but heaps of other players as well. It’s probably the reason why games in general have become more and more streamlined as the years have gone by and why cripplingly difficult and seemingly archaically designed games like Dark Souls stand out amongst the crowd.
Recently, I’ve just reinstalled Destiny. I initially panned the game for being an absolutely poor excuse for a game in general but that was probably because I didn’t play it like how it was meant to be played. I delved into it expecting some Halo-like adventure with a cooperative and competitive experience in a similar fashion but honestly, the game is more like a weird hybrid between a Borderlands-esque first person shooter role playing game and World of Warcarft. Or at least, it replicates the laters style of rewards, levels and expansion packs.
As much as I hate to post this dribble, I feel as though it is something that I simply cannot help but do. The blessed few that choose to actually follow this blog would roll their eyes at the sight of another ‘Can’t get my shit together’ post. But at least they would silently congratulate me within their own minds for not using some tacky song lyrics that relate to the topic of post. That was some ‘teen on Facebook’ shit right there.
For the past few years now, I have found myself beaten into a fixed state of same. Stirred along within a seemingly omnipotent cocktail of boredom, longing and an adamant sense of meaninglessness. It’s like ever since I reached a particular age, something just flicked the kill switch on my enthusiasm and motivation, my sense of humour and accompanying ability to laugh, leaving me as a generally withdrawn ‘master of disguise’. Because I bet that nobody that knows me in person has the slightest clue that I am quite possibly the most empty feeling people in their lives.
It all sorta went downhill after my fourth year in high school. I was a generally happy dude, too. Rather extraverted, to be completely honest. If there ever was a party or a social event planned amongst the friend-os, 90% of the time it was I who had cooked it all up. And because of that particularly likeable image of a past self worth liking, I would often compare my current self at any given point in time to that, with the accompanying self questioning of where everything went so wrong. And honestly, even to this day, I still don’t have the answers.
But now, a new question has arose alongside those previous queries; “Do I really need the answers at all?”
I can imagine that dwelling on this would be relatively unhealthy no matter how I look at it. And part of me feels that even if I did have the answers, I would still feel as empty as I normally do. There is simply no going back. Those old friendships, that old way of living … they’re pieces that simply do not fit into the metaphorical puzzle. Wearing the same old leather jacket comes without it’s original meaning, washed away by the waves of change.
It’s a war within the self, I tell you. Two sides with their each ambiguous question;
“I want to go back. Why can’t I go back?”
“I want to move on. Why can’t I move forward?”
I fear that the answers may be as simple as this; I cannot go back because I am meant to move forward. But I cannot move forward because I want to go back.