Posted in Blog, college, Daily, Diary, Experience, life, Life, Life, Love, lyrics, Misc, Miscellaneous, Musings, People, personal, Personal, Personal, Photography, Picture, Relationships, Romance, School, sleep, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Uncatergorized

Like the Sunshine (Two Year Anniversery on WordPress)

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Well now, this is special!

I’m posting tonight because I received a super special notification from the happy chappies at WordPress.com. Two years ago, I started this blog as a method of journaliing my musings and other ramblings as a way to manage stress. At the time of this blog’s creation, I had been faced with a lot of dreadful uncertainties that would leave me with knots in my tummy for nights on end. I had only just started my long distance relationship with an absolutely lovely girl and was afraid that we would never meet or be able to make it happen. My studies at both university and a community college had reduced me to a state resembling that of a nervous wreck; hair tearing and all.

The year after, my relationship had become stable. My classes had become manageable. I had begun my student work placement and had learnt more than I ever did in high school. About life, about love and about the world beyond high school. For once, my life seemed right. I was at peace.

And now, in 2016, many things have changed. My graduation, the fated meeting in Lover’s Arrival, the beginnings of my search for employment, the collapse of my relationship …

All of it proof that we are forever learning by experience. That the wildest and most unexpected things can happen, even when plans have been made and are seemingly set in stone. Life is what happens when you are busy making plans. And that, Mr. Lennon, is something that we can both agree on. Being the tired man that I am, i am not sure what I am supposed to be writing anymore here. The paragraphs that come after this were actually written first. This post is a mess, chaotic, just like life. It wasn’t planned. I had a general idea and the structure of the post all in my mind and then as I began to write it down, different thoughts flooded into my mind and altered those plans. Or took a sledgehammer to them. Completely.

This might sound awfully corny but I gotta write it …

In the past two years, I have become rather fond of moths. Now, I never liked moths as a kid. I always thought they were grotesque and wouldn’t think twice about shooing them away with a dainty wave of the hand. They were ugly to most people. Undesirable. And I often considered myself to be of a similar calibre. But all it took was one mental comparison, one alternate trail of thought, and my love for them began to blossom. There are those in the world that see beauty where others simply cannot. Those that find something beautiful where nothing of the sort can be found and observed by the average person. And I had the pleasure of meeting a few of these cherishable souls. The absolute honor of calling one my teacher, another one my friend, my lover …

Of course, you. My readers.

These people and their stories, their wisdom, their kindness and their love formed my coccoon and now I too, have become a one of these souls.

I’d like to thank you all for reading my blog over the past two years and do hope that you stick around for another.

May all the love in the world be yours. And remember, everybody’s gotta learn sometime. 

You know which song this is going to link you to … 

(It’s 3 AM and I sure could use some sleep … )

Posted in Blog, life, Musings, People, personal, sleep

The Beatdown Blues & ‘Super Friends’

Yup. Time to flex the blogging muscles. This is the part in which I hold up my grossly curved fingers and crack them all at once before typing up a storm. Sorry to put that horrible mental image into your noggin but I couldn’t resist …

It’s not easy being a community services/sociology student. Last year we were learning about things like social justice, gender stereotyping, socio-economic growth and community development. It wasn’t even that big of a deal, to be honest. These are merely the daily trends and topics of conversation of one that trawls through enough social networks and/or blogging platforms. What really beats you into a pulp is the second year shit. Suddenly, we’ve gone from “Hey, you know, girls don’t have to play with toys that are pink. It’s all apart of marketing. The media is bad that way.” to “Right, so now we’re going to have a class discussion about suicide.”

Did you sense that rift? Quite an escalation, huh?

Quite stupidly, when talking about mental illnesses, a lot of the students (which probably includes myself) start to over analyse and before you know it, your classmate is rocking back and forth in the corner of the room in a fit of disbelief due to her apparent and rather sudden self diagnosis of borderline personality disorder while the Dandy, who is already one of the most anxious people in the class, has a panic attack out of fear of developing paranoid schizophrenia. It’s bat shit insane. The teachers refer to it as ‘med student syndrome’ which apparently comes from some kind of self diagnosis phenomenon that occurs during the second year through college.

You can only imagine how silly I must’ve felt explaining the reasoning behind my nasty bout of extreme anxiousness to my friends. There I am, freaking out like they’re going to either take it the wrong way and actually take it a step further into thinking that there is something genuinely messed up about the Dandy when I cop two rather blunt (yet comforting) replies:

“Yeah …  So? I do the same shit too, man.” 

“You know, they say that psychology students and others that study mental illnesses and disorders start self diagnosing and over analysing as they further into their studies … “

Good to know that there are people out there keeping it more real than I am.

But honestly, the attack took an absolute toll on my energy. Head pulsating migraines, strained eyesight, a seemingly fixed state of frazzledness within the mental realm … Just all of the icky feelings that come with being on edge, really. It’s also partially the reason why I haven’t been blogging as often as usual. It just seems that school has this effect on me. This ‘Grovel before your fear of the future and of failure!’ kind of effect.

I mean, I know I might be an awfully charming guy with an undeniably witty sense of humour but even I need someone to help me out of the rough, too …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9aF9_mZDyY

Posted in life, Miscellaneous, People, personal, Thoughts, Uncatergorized

Purposeless Me

Day to day slingin’. Nothing else kickin’.

As much as I hate to post this dribble, I feel as though it is something that I simply cannot help but do. The blessed few that choose to actually follow this blog would roll their eyes at the sight of another ‘Can’t get my shit together’ post. But at least they would silently congratulate me within their own minds for not using some tacky song lyrics that relate to the topic of post. That was some ‘teen on Facebook’ shit right there.

For the past few years now, I have found myself beaten into a fixed state of same. Stirred along within a seemingly omnipotent cocktail of boredom, longing and an adamant sense of meaninglessness. It’s like ever since I reached a particular age, something just flicked the kill switch on my enthusiasm and motivation, my sense of humour and accompanying ability to laugh, leaving me as a generally withdrawn ‘master of disguise’. Because I bet that nobody that knows me in person has the slightest clue that I am quite possibly the most empty feeling people in their lives.

It all sorta went downhill after my fourth year in high school. I was a generally happy dude, too. Rather extraverted, to be completely honest. If there ever was a party or a social event planned amongst the friend-os, 90% of the time it was I who had cooked it all up. And because of that particularly likeable image of a past self worth liking, I would often compare my current self at any given point in time to that, with the accompanying self questioning of where everything went so wrong. And honestly, even to this day, I still don’t have the answers.

But now, a new question has arose alongside those previous queries; “Do I really need the answers at all?”

I can imagine that dwelling on this would be relatively unhealthy no matter how I look at it. And part of me feels that even if I did have the answers, I would still feel as empty as I normally do. There is simply no going back. Those old friendships, that old way of living … they’re pieces that simply do not fit into the metaphorical puzzle. Wearing the same old leather jacket comes without it’s original meaning, washed away by the waves of change.

It’s a war within the self, I tell you. Two sides with their each ambiguous question;

“I want to go back. Why can’t I go back?”

“I want to move on. Why can’t I move forward?”

I fear that the answers may be as simple as this; I cannot go back because I am meant to move forward. But I cannot move forward because I want to go back.