Posted in Blog, Diary, Experience, Health, life, Music, personal, Youth

“And in my hour of darkness… “

I normally freak out and lose my cool completely.

If only I had a ‘Mother Mary’ like figure to whisper words of wisdom and encouragement to me. Honestly, if there was a visible scale that vividly displayed my confidence going from ten to zero, that needle would flick to the starting end faster than your initial reaction of shock upon being greeted by the unexpected ‘incorrect answer’ buzzer.

So I was applying for a job online, just filling out some details and uploading the resume and all. I haven’t had a part time job before in the past. Back in Year 10, there were few people that were actually motivated enough to go to school AND work a job all without crumbling underneath the debris of any form of social anxiety or stress disorder. One year past high school and I am seemingly finding myself metaphorically winded of any courage that I might’ve had at the start of the application process. Now being someone that hasn’t had to apply for work before, the crushing blow came in the form of the thought of having all of these obligations and responsibilities (as well as people to deal with and times to keep) which ultimately ended with my confidant former self, the same one that was throwing punches and performing karate related exercises without intimidation, becoming a completely sweaty faced and nail biting wreck. This little anxiety attack not only led me to cancel my application, but fill my mind with all sorts of social fears and dreads related to incompetence.

And now, I just feel so disappointed in myself. In one way, I can be as fearless and extraverted as anything and in another, I am a cowering mute.

To be honest, I am thinking about printing out my resume and cover letter and just handing it into the store in person. I would be far more comfortable doing that rather than have to sit through all of these tests and preference sheets that my browser barely supports. No pressure, guys. It’s not like if I leave it for too long or if the internet cuts out, the test completely locks up which essentially prevents me from ever doing it again.

Really. This is nuts. Who the hell thought that online job applications were a good idea? Don’t you want to meet and chat with your potential employee face to face?

Anyways, I am also thinking about just working a much smaller store within the community. Maybe something along the lines of a small business, like a grocer, a cafe or maybe even a clothes store. Actually, the clothes store one wouldn’t be such a bad gig. Despite being one of those people that would totally just walk and sleep in their training clothes, I am quite the ruffle shirt wearing fashionista when it comes to the threads. Mmm!

Yeah, I think I am feeling a bit better about this now …

*deep sigh*

Sometimes, I wish I were still back in high school …



"And so, let my heart be hardened." This blog was all but abandoned, gathering digital cobwebs and whatnot, before I checked back in after the pitter-pattering of cyberrain. Or were they emails? Let this place be a beacon for my mind during my few sleepless nights.

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